Marc Wong on How We Can Bring Out the Best in Others -- and Ourselves
Newsletter 305 - December 12, 2024
In November, 2024, reader Marc Wong sent us several emails reflecting on our "Constructive Conflict Initiative" and ways he has been working to develop similar ideas. He asked what we thought — and I responded that I thought they were worth sharing, as they show how core conflict resolution and de-polarization ideas might be marketed, just as we market other things to get them more broadly understood and adopted. I have slightly edited what he wrote — formatting it to better fit this newsletter, giving it headings, and in some cases meshing related ideas that were originally in separate emails.
Marc would welcome comments, but to avoid flooding his inbox with spam, send them through our contact form, and we will forward them to him. — Heidi Burgess
Are You a Better Person Than You Were Four Years Ago?
Marc Wong
During the 1980 presidential debate, Reagan asked voters if they were better off at the time, than they were 4 years ago.
I ask: "Are you more capable of understanding, respecting, helping, and bringing out the best in others now, than you were 4 years ago?"
A couple, company, or a country can be richer than before, but still have all kinds of conflict. In contrast, these interpersonal and intergroup goals are more inspiring, positive, fundamental, connecting, unifying, enabling, compassionate, tolerant, nuanced, and growth-oriented than simple economic goals alone.
I believe individuals, companies, and humanity as a whole should set goals to understand, respect, help, and bring out the best in others. Of the people, by the people, for the people, to bring out the best in people. Only by aiming for a unifying, secular, inspiring goal can humanity become its best (and solve its biggest problems). This is more than a “Shared Democratic Vision”. It applies regardless of a country’s political system.
I think, therefore I am.
I listen (love), therefore you are. (I define listening as putting someone else’s speaking, thinking, feeling needs first.)
We understand and respect, therefore we are.
We help and bring out the best in each other, therefore we thrive.
Imagine holding politicians, talking heads, government, companies and media accountable for helping us understand, respect, help, and bring out the best in ourselves (and our environment). We have to engage with meaning and excellence, instead of just appealing to selfish needs, xenophobia, nostalgia, or frustration. This helps to neutralize the "Destructive-Conflict-As-Usual" Industrial Complex.
The point is not to cancel anyone either, but to clearly show when public discourse is misleading, or incites anger and division, while offering no insights or solutions, and to offer alternatives that involve honest effort and reward. No one deserves special permission to act out their frustrations.
We have to sell our ideas, as powerfully as the best marketers or populists out there. There was a famous anti-littering campaign in Texas. Instead of lecturing people, they used “Don’t mess with Texas” to inspire people to stop littering. Elmer Wheeler said, “Don’t sell the steak - sell the sizzle!” We certainly have to be more effective at solving people’s real problems, more engaging, and compelling than the bad actors, otherwise we’ll never be able to attract funding and inspire the public.
Consider: It’s relatively hard to inspire people to fix body odor. But if we consider it as part of overall grooming, then this bigger goal is more positive and inspiring. Likewise, it’s relatively hard to inspire people to fix political polarization. But if we consider it as part of a larger goal of understanding, respecting, helping, and bringing out the best in others, then the work becomes more positive and inspiring. We can make public discourse more meaningful, productive, and actually work for us.
Ideological Rage is Just as Bad as Road Rage
Sharing roads with others is frustrating and dangerous. So is sharing our homes, workplaces, and the planet with others. Road rage is bad and is not tolerated. Ideological rage (and blame) is also bad and should not be tolerated. But we have a lot more work to do to reduce ideological rage.
It's easy to add some material to all safe driving courses. Can we create safe living courses? When driving, we have to deliberately yield and check our blind spots. In conversation, we have to deliberately let people express their concerns first, and check our biases. If we can change people's attitudes and behaviors toward driving, safety belts, drunk driving, etc., we can change people's attitudes and behaviors towards relationships, and professional, and political disagreements.
I think our ideas should be as simple, widespread, and effective as safe driving.
How Can We Inspire Understanding and Respect?
A few years ago, I was at a store when I overheard a teenager claim, “I’ll wear it every day, okay!?” Clearly the teenager wanted to buy something and the parent didn’t want to pay for it. I’m sure most of us have wondered why our loved ones impulse buy, hoard, and never use shoes, tools, comic books, golf clubs, …, you name it.
The truth is, we often don’t even understand our loved ones. At the same time, we would struggle to explain our shopping behavior. Upon reflection, we realize that our likes and hobbies are complex and constantly evolving. I may love something because of a cartoon I watched as a child. Over the years, my interest may have developed and become more sophisticated. I may keep up to date by going to hobby web sites and browsing stores. And yes, I may be embarrassed that I have a collection of stuff that’s just gathering dust.
If our likes and hobbies are so complex, then imagine how complex our politics and world views are. How can we assume we fully understand others without deliberate effort? Even if we like the same things, our experiences are still unique and personal. The only way to honor and respect that is to listen to each individual’s stories. People may have the same cancer, but their experiences are unique and personal. Not all Democrats or Republicans are the same.
The enemy is often not “others,” but ignorance and lack of communication and exploration.
Fortunately, even though we may buy different things (influenced by gender, advertising, and many other social pressures), our shopping behavior is often similar. The care, creativity, and sophistication I use to approach my purchases can be very similar to what others do with their purchases. For example, some shoes or tools are more general purpose and worth having around. Some are more specialized, expensive, less often used, but indispensable when you need them. Either way, you can’t have too many shoes or tools! No, don’t touch my stuff if you don’t know how to handle it. And no, don’t throw away my stuff! I’ll use it next week, okay!?
We can use our shopping experiences to find commonality and develop newfound understanding and respect for others. Using common shopping experiences to build humility and insight is personal and business friendly. It is better than using our imaginations alone to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. You can’t argue with your own neutral, non-political shopping experiences. And we can all improve our relationships by better understanding our loved ones’ complex lives.
Everyone should be taught much more about gender issues, and the different norms and pressures society places on us. Everyone should have curiosity and be willing to learn more about others, starting with our loved ones, then colleagues and customers, then others around the world.
How Can We Inspire Helping and Bringing Out the Best in Others at Scale?
“Can do,” “Just do it,” “Think outside the box,” (innovation), “customer service above and beyond”, are all popular and business friendly slogans that convey accomplishing things beyond our often self-limiting assumptions.
But we can also forgive, apologize, understand, respect, help, bring out the best in others, beyond our comfort zones, beyond our self-limiting assumptions. The more we do these things, the more we grow as human beings, the more nuances we see in the world (and the more immune to extremism and demagoguery we become).
But is this realistic and achievable?
Meghan watches as her mother finished a phone conversation. “Mommy, why are you crying?” she asks. “It’s okay, honey! It’s okay.” Meghan leaves the room and returns moments later. “When I’m sad, I hold on to Mr. Brown,” Meghan says, handing her mother a teddy bear.
Even a little girl is able to offer her best by sharing her treasured toy with her mother. Of course it’s not guaranteed to “work”, but offering our best to others with no strings attached is the best way to inspire others to do the same. Offering our best to others also makes us better.
In my own career, I have gone above and beyond several times. I have done extra work (without being asked), and received a little bit of recognition. But perhaps the most important things I gained are the extra things I learned in the process, and the confidence I gained in handling novel or unusual situations. “Can do” should certainly be expanded to include soft-skills and cooperative attitudes.
Our ideas should be powerful and fundamental enough to help with relationship, workplace, and global disagreements (not just political ones). If individuals and companies don’t see a clear benefit, it will always be hard to get support and funding. Populists and opportunists use many tools for mass influence. We have to be better than that.
What About Biases?
I define discrimination as making it hard for others to be their best. It’s a more positive framing. It also includes situations such as when a bald, fat, white, middle-aged male without an ivy-league degree is denied a senior position. I have an exercise for disrupting biases.
Imagine we were all forced to wear t-shirts for a week. The t-shirts have different messages on them: “Police feel threatened by me.” “People think I’ll always put my family ahead of my career.” “People think I always leave work on time to pick up the kids.”
Imagine I was walking down the street wearing a t-shirt with the first message above. If I saw some police ahead of me, I might cross the street to avoid them. Me being aware that there is a negative label on me can make me act suspicious, as if had done something wrong, as if I really was a threat. If the police chased me, I might panic and run, making me look even more suspicious. Things can spiral out of hand quickly.
Also, me being forced to carry a negative label on me, through no fault of my own, can make me feel the system is unjust. It might make me angry, again “confirming” that there is something wrong with me.
A big challenge with discrimination is that it isn’t always easy to show people its negative effects. If we cannot agree on the problem, then how can we have honest discussions about solutions, and have reconciliation? If possible, our ideas should be relatable and make common sense (and minimize backlash). We cannot “reason” with people’s emotions. We often cannot sway people if it disagrees with their own experiences.
This is What I Would Like to Propose:
Create a framework, similar to safe driving, to help humanity understand, respect, help, and bring out the best in itself.
Make it clear how individuals, companies, and countries can benefit.
Show how politicians, media, talking heads must withdraw from anger and blame (with no solutions), and
Move toward delivering humility and insight / understanding and respect.
Educate everyone to use their own shopping experiences to recognize their limited knowledge of others, and to build understanding and respect for others.
Disrupt biases by showing everyone the effects of discrimination.
Make discrimination less about perpetrators versus victims, fixing onerous flaws in society, towards recognizing the various challenges people face, and making the effort to bring out the best in people.
Teach everyone to regularly listen and check their biases.
Expand “Can Do,” to include “can apologize,” “can forgive,” “can understand”, “can respect,” “can help,” and “can bring out the best in others.”
Thereby fostering growth, resilience, and mutual thriving.
What do you think?
Lead Photo Credit: source: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b9/Love_and_respect_everyone_%21_%2823013326579%29.jpg, attribution Alisdare Hickson from Woolwich, United Kingdom, CC BY-SA 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons
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